Sticky Messages: Those unexpected comments that hurt and stick with you
It happens to everyone. Those messages and comments that were said in ignorance, frustration or off hand. You’re just going about your day and bam, hurtful comment. You could just be working, minding your own business, or you might have just made a major life change- inconsiderate comments wait for no man. I’m processing a sticky message right now that was sent after a holiday.
Special days and holidays can be emotional rollercoasters. I was already struggling through this day- trying to intentionally choose happiness and excitement when I got the first hurtful comment. I also got a ton of sweet, encouraging and thoughtful messages. But those weren’t the ones I was thinking about at the end of the day.
And I got another one a few days later. Someone that I respected went out of their way to send me a message that was both ignorant and inconsiderate. I do not believe that they meant it to be hurtful, but that really did not take away much of the sting. It did affect how I am choosing to react though. After a restless night going over the message in my head I had to remind myself of a few truths and re-debunk the lies.
Lie #1 They are probably still thinking about it like I am…
-It can be hard to remember that people don’t think about us as much as we tend to think they do.
-A lot of inconsiderate things are said with good intention and are offhand remarks.
-The message, that so insulted me, was probably not even a blip on the radar of their day. In fact, I’m sure she thought she had encouraged me (or taught me something) and moved on with her day smiling.
So why am I letting this five-line message take over my brain for so long? Why am I still thinking about it?
Lie #2 Negative or ignorant messages are worth more than the encouraging ones…
-Generally, our first instinct when we are wounded is to be defensive. So, it makes sense that naturally negative comments bring out more of a response than positive ones might. After all, social media seems to teach more about defending and arguing than how to take a compliment.
-But we get to choose. We choose who we listen to, who we give our time and attention to, and what we focus our thoughts on.
-There are of course unavoidable negative and ignorant interactions, but there again, we have a lot of choice on how we respond.
We cannot make that choice in a healthy, confident way without having practiced thinking about positive things! Because these negative messages are sticky, it takes effort to get them out of your head!
Lie #3 The people we respect have it all together…
-Everyyyyyyybody struggles. Say it with me… every… human… being… struggles! No one has it all together. The sticky message I received was from someone I considered a leader. But leaders at church/school/work are just human, as are every single one of our friends and family.
-If we cannot shake things off and forgive people, then how can we expect other people to forgive us? I don’t know about you specifically but I stick my foot in my mouth a lotttttttt… And when I remember that, it makes it easier to give other people a break.
This message was way more than inconsiderate though, and not something that I could just “shake off.” Still, it helps to remember that I mess up frequently. So even though I could not shake it off easily, I know I need to consciously make an effort to move on and give grace.
Lie #4 I need to defend my decisions and actions to those who question them…
-Mmmmmm, but do you really? Hater’s gonna hate- right? And when you are succeeding and advocating it can make people who are struggling uncomfortable.
-I’ve heard a good rule of thumb is the 5 to 1 rule. It doesn’t just apply to comments on facebook. If you respond to 1 negative message you should first look at and respond to 5 positive messages.
I’ve recently found myself advocating for something that a lot of people have misconceptions about. And a personal choice and change followed that. I have overshared during the process and feel like I need every single person to understand my actions and motives. I get comments about my finances, how I spend my time, how my opinions are wrong- and I want to fix it all so that everyone has a positive view of me.
But it is not my job to educate the world and fix every ignorant and inconsiderate comment. People’s opinions are just that… a single opinion. Sometimes it is healthier to accept it as an opinion and just move on.
Lie #5 There is no moving on from here…
-Sometimes you can just walk away from the source, other times you can’t. I will step away for a time and have learned not to share anymore with this person.
-I’m thankful that I do not have to walk away from every person that offends me, and that when I offend others they don’t have to stay away from me.
However, there are times when it is healthier to walk away completely. If there’s no moving on in that relationship, I can still take healthy steps forward for myself.
I lost too much sleep one night because of this sticky message. I knew it was ridiculous to stew on it, but I kept thinking about it anyways.
After going through so much, I was going to let this be what sticks with me? Reallllly? Heck no. That was one person, one misinformed opinion. I do not need every single acquaintance to understand or like me.
Every time I think of that message now I think of one of the positive things friends have said to me about me or my family. Every time it pops in my mind and I choose not to focus my thoughts on it, the negative words lose their hold.
Words stick… I’m going to make an extra effort this week to make sure that I am giving out and collecting kind ones.
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