Tips on discussing race with kids- Dr. Manning and Sarah Peyton interview post written by the Elf. This post contains affiliate links, you can find out more on our policies page or in the disclaimer at the bottom of the blog.
We had the opportunity to interview the authors of The Anti-Racist Heart: A Self-Compassion and Activism Handbook, Dr. Roxy Manning and Sarah Peyton. Which pairs well with Dr. Roxy Manning’s book How to Have Anti-Racist Conversations. Check out more info about their book right here and find the full interview below. From the interview, we pulled 5 tips for discussing race with kids, check out those below as well.
Know Before You Read:
The Anti-Racist Heart: A Self Compassion and Activism Handbook
Author: Dr. Roxy Manning and Sarah Peyton
Genre: Sociology, Self Help, Activism
Release Date: 8/29/2023
Suggested Age Range: 16+
Interview with Dr. Roxy Manning and Sarah Peyton on discussing race with kids.
In this interview we talked about why we need to have the conversation with our kids, tips for those conversations, dealing with bullying, and about racial mirrors in books and entertainment. If you’ve ever wondered how to discuss race with kids, take a listen!
*Find out more about the books right here.
*Check out their podcast here.
*Dr. Roxy Manning’s website
*Sarah Peyton’s website
5 Tips on Discussing Race with Kids
These are small sections pulled from the above interview.
- Don’t overcomplicate it or push the conversation aside. Do have conversations early and often.
Roxy Manning: “Let’s normalize and make diversity a normal accepted part of the conversation. Language that talks about difference. It’s not about not using it. It’s about using it appropriately. Using it in ways that are not highlighting negative qualities that are really celebrating the shared qualities that we all have. Some other things I would suggest are to notice when your children start to make comments. You know, even kids as young as three have internalized a lot of the stereotypes…I also want to add that what’s really important to me is that we’re actually saying something because a lot of parents, you know, go to the, I’m just not going to talk about it. Let’s talk about it later, but we never come back to it. And what we’re basically doing is we’re basically throwing our little babies in the wild and saying, I’m not going to help you make sense of this so you have to make sense of it from all the information that’s out there.
Sarah Peyton: “The most important thing is the parents internal values and that the parent talks about them. Like, for us, in this family, it’s so important that everybody counts. That we take a look at who’s not getting what they need. That we acknowledge that in our history, people have really not gotten what they needed. And, and, and that, you know, sometimes it’s, it’s still happening and we need to know about it. We need to think about it. We need to talk about it. Cause it goes against our family’s values that things are, are inequitable, you know, these kinds of conversations where the parent reveals their heart and, and their love. When you’re grounded in that you’re not going to say anything wrong. And if you do, it doesn’t matter because you’re grounding into those values and the kids are going to pick up on those values.”
Discussing differences with kids early and often, and teaching them the appropriate language, is a great way to start talking about race with kids. - Do find their mirrors and make sure they are exposed to others
Sarah Peyton: “When we see someone who looks like us as a character, we get to be invited into being the main character of our own lives, and to be explorers or scientists or mathematicians, or just so many ways in which inspiration and hope and possibility are given birth to.”
Roxy Manning: “We need to actively be part of helping them make sense of their world so that they understand the messages and the meaning we want them to have and not have to draw conclusions from some of the media that’s out there…Sometimes I think of these mirrors as almost like inoculations. You know, we give them their vaccines to prevent bad germs coming in, but these mirrors can also be the vaccine that prevents bad ideas from coming in. When that idea comes, there’s already something that says, ‘wait a second, that makes no sense. I’ve seen it in this book.’ And then it becomes less likely to stick.” - Don’t assume that it doesn’t impact them. Just because they aren’t talking about it doesn’t mean we should not address race with kids.
Roxy Manning: “It could be easy to imagine that our children are not struggling with it. But what I’ve discovered, and what some of the research shows, is that when children don’t have these conversations that help them understand that racism is a thing, that it exists, that they might be judged by other people, not based on their merit, but based on the color of their skin, their gender, these, these characteristics, then they make sense of any harm that they experienced, any impact they experienced by saying, I’m bad, I’m the problem.”
Sarah Peyton: On bullying- “The most important and effective thing for bullying is a systemic response. So, while we’re supporting our children emotionally, while we’re having a conversation with the teacher, we should also be thinking about talking with the principal, talking with the school district, and anti bullying efforts in from the top down. That’s a lot for parent to take on. It is. But it is the most important thing. So perhaps even finding a coalition of other parents who are willing to address this and push for it is really key. Bringing clear witnessing to school boards is an important piece of the process. Because the bullying, when they look at bullying, you know, it doesn’t start with kids, it starts with the adults in the system.” - Do approach difficult conversations with curiosity and compassion rather than judgment and lecturing.
Sarah Peyton: “Noticing, just in general, noticing when things are happening on TV, or noticing if something happens on the street, or noticing if something happens in a store, and even if it’s not happening directly to our child, to talk about it with them (openly and from a young age with curiosity). So often our children internalize the very best of our values and take them into the world. And then sometimes we’re scared and we’re like, ‘No, don’t have that big of a value. You’ve got to tone it down so that you’re safe.’ But I think there’s something about really enjoying the bigness of our own love and enjoying the love that our children have, where they want the world to be more equitable and good. Celebrating that because they’re picking it up from us, too.”
Roxy Manning: “A really important part of this process is understanding what is it that I want to accomplish? What’s important to me here? So, do I actually want to stop harm that’s happening? Do I just want to say, hey, whatever’s happening needs to stop, but I don’t actually want to engage. Do I want to be heard about the experience that I’m having, or do I want to have a shared dialogue so that I can understand what’s going on for you and why you’re doing this, and you can understand what’s going on for me, maybe why I’m making the choices I’m making.” (Check out the map of open dialogue in the book) - Don’t feel like standing up to injustices, like book bans, is going against peace and community. Talking about race with kids is a solution, not a problem starter.
Roxy Manning: “I think this is so important for families. Negative peace is when we think that because everything seems calm, No one is complaining that everything’s okay. And usually what negative peace means is that if I’m the child who’s experiencing bullying and I don’t talk about it, you’re going to think everything’s just fine, but it’s at my cost, I’m paying the price for this, for your comfort. Positive peace says that true peace happens when we’re talking about the difficult things that it might feel uncomfortable, it might feel challenging, but we’re actually creating the conditions where wellbeing being happens when everyone is okay. Not just you’re okay because I’m being silent, but we’re all being okay. And so when we’re thinking about our family situations, our school situations, the communities we live in, we want to support positive peace communities where every person, every child knows that your well being matters. And our community is not okay. if you’re not okay. Any child, if any member of our community is not okay.”
Sarah Peyton: “To some degree, I just want to catch anybody who’s listening who’s been dismayed and worried about the book bans and just to acknowledge, the degree to which a free, open and free access to education and books has been of huge importance for so many people in the United States and coming up and becoming educated. So just want to bow to any grief or worry that’s a part of the picture right now… It’s one of the things that I worry about for representation in libraries. There are a couple of initiatives where people are getting free books out to families. That’s one way to begin to address it is to look at what you’ve got in your own home library.”
Thanks for checking out this interview on talking about race with kids. You might also be interested in reading our posts on…
–A Year of Anti-Racist Learning: Beginning an Anti-Racist Journey
–Interview with author Carew Papritz on the positive aspect of banned books
–Stamped: Youth History Edition Discussion Questions
Also check out more from the authors here…
*Find out more about the books right here.
*Check out their podcast here.
*Dr. Roxy Manning’s website
*Sarah Peyton’s website
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