Practice Prayers

Practice Prayers:  Written by the Elf   

     At the beginning of last summer I was writing consistently in my prayer journal. I was taking notes on podcasts, books, and testimonies of people who had walked through a deep valley similar to the one I was in. And I wouldn’t say I was excited about it all- but rather that I was anticipating walking out of that valley stronger. Not only stronger but with an amazing five minute, shiny and redemptive story to tell everyone I was teaching.

     Then at the end of last summer I stopped writing in my prayer journal. I didn’t stop praying and I wasn’t having a crisis of faith. In fact- I inferred a lot that I was mad or angry, but really I was just frustrated with the weak numbness I felt. And when I did start to walk out of that valley I didn’t feel stronger, I felt a LOT weaker and I despaired about failing. Where was that shiny five minute testimony? And how had I screwed up my chance to be mentally, physically, and spiritually stronger?

     Obviously I have had missed some opportunities.

     At the end of this summer my husband challenged me to pick back up prayer journaling. Then I heard that our church was going to do a series on prayer. And the thought of hustling again, using my story to teach, and picking back up the journal- that was incredibly overwhelming and depressing. So I opened my prayer journal again and just felt like taking a nap. But instead I was surprised.

–Loving Pursuit–     

     God lovingly pursues us no matter where we are emotionally and spiritually. And when I didn’t want to journal, didn’t want to look back and see the bad or the good- He knew. I got what I would refer to as ‘a God hug and flowers’ that day. Because the last few pages I had written in my journal were things that I needed to read right now, the next year. I had written the promises of God I wanted to internalize, how He had been faithful the last five years, a lament, and a liturgical prayer. And it reminded me that God loves me and pursues my heart even when I’m not feeling it.

-Performance Pariah-     

     I’ve also been reminded that not every moment is a teachable one, or meant for anyone besides you. Yes, we want to be a living testimony and all that jazz. We live in the social media age where we share our hard, happy, and funny mundane moments with everyone. But regardless of the expectations you or others place on you… not everything is meant to be laid out for others edification, judgment, or knowledge. And this people pleaser needs that reminder.

The struggle bus I had to get over…

-The Daily Grind-    

       I love music!! And one of the reasons is because lyrics mean different things at different times in your life. A song came on that I used to love- it used to really pump me up. But it was talking about not letting our life or our relationship with God to be stale and boring. And I laughed out loud.

      Without the boring, hard and forced right now- I wouldn’t leave my house or attempt to communicate with anyone. Now I’m not going to say I’m thankful for all the frustratingly mundane and boring things in life – like when I have to change my shirt and the babies onesie for the third time that day and the washer isn’t working. My first thought isn’t ‘yay’. It takes painful practice to be grateful for the hard, boring, daily stuff. But I am thankful for the mundane right now. Even though getting Bible reading in feels forced and hard at this exhausting point in life- I’m still grateful for that time.

Our spiritual practices don’t always feel fresh and engaging. We keep practicing them so that they become spiritual disciplines. Disciplines that stick with us regardless of what season of life we are in. 

-Goal Setting Sweating-

     Speaking of music. There’s this new song out by Lauren Daigle, “You Say”. The lyrics talk about trusting in the promises of who God says we are. So many people have been identifying with and posting about this song. So it seems like we are all craving a reminder of the basic promises about who God says we are as His children! (And it’s an awesome song) Sometimes surviving- practicing- doing your best is all you can do and that is ok. In our social media/ instant result society we often feel this pressure to be perfect and have shiny or funny stories from our life constantly. It is so easy to get overwhelmed with the goal setting and self help resources and ideas out there. And I’m not discounting the importance of setting goals and working on our habits- it is SO important.

     BUT it’s easy to get too caught up in that and the need to crush all those goals at once and to take our worth and value from that.  Sometimes surviving- practicing- prioritizing- doing your best is all you can do. When we are in loving relationships with our spouses, families, friends and God- even making small efforts is significant. Small steps when we are in survival mode can be huge steps! We don’t have to be discouraged by our small steps or feel like we’re failing.  

-The Authentic Conundrum-

     Being completely vulnerable is not healthy. Sometimes even the people you trust will say things offhandedly that make you angry. How much less the thoughtless comments of random social media friends and the passing comments of acquaintances? So when I’m openly bleeding- I am going to be careful about who I confide in- guarding my heart. The average time people spend looking at a post? Less than five seconds. Maybe five seconds if they decide to comment. So you should expect random comments that were not thought out well if you post about your wounds and frustrations- or even about your joy.  

     Authentic community is important. It’s such a huge, life changing thing to have people you can be completely vulnerable with. And it is great when we can be honest about our stories- but you don’t have to be open with everyone, especially when you’re in pain! Even saying “I’m not ok, but I don’t feel like talking about it right now” is still super authentic.

      And then there is the whole “I’ll pray for you” conundrum. Personally, I love when people tell me specifically that they have been praying for me more than saying that they will pray for me in the future. I have a sweet friend who sends me a smiley face emoji when she prays for me. That is super encouraging. But when people in passing say “I’ll pray for you”…. I feel like they are generally saying it because they don’t know what else to say. I want to be careful not to do that because I believe that prayer is powerful and praying for others is important. I don’t want it to be just another Christian cliche in my life.  

-The David Dawning-

    David’s story always leaves me sad and in awe. So much bravery, beautiful and relatable writing, so many awesome choices, but also some really bad choices. But he was good at reflecting and remembering what God had done for him. So I want to imitate that by remembering what God has done for me. And keep listening to people that are wiser than I am. Keep praying prayers that have been prayed for so many years. Keep praying for other people. And keep writing my own prayers. Keep doing the stuff that I know I should for that relationship- even when I can’t get it all in and it looks less than pretty.

   Because whether it feels like frustrating practice, a beautiful performance, endless hustling, or comfortably normal- I want to continue growing in my relationship with God. And I think that prayer is a significant key to that. Even, and maybe especially when it feels like practice.

I’d love to end this post by saying how beautiful it has been getting back into prayer journaling… But I have opened that journal maybe three times in the two months I’ve been working on this post. Or rather in the time this post has been opened on my google drive just staring at me 😉 I’m going to keep working on getting that journal opened.

So here’s a reminder friend- God is lovingly pursuing you and wants to spend time with you. And that time doesn’t have to look perfect or be for anyone else but you.

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