20 Lessons from Becoming Book and Netflix Special

Lessons from Becoming Written by the Ent and the Elf on 6/1/2020
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Michelle Obama released a memoir, Becoming, in 2018 that has recently become a documentary Netflix special release. There is so much depth to the book and the special to discuss and reflect on. From funny Halloween costumes to horrible media slander, there are so many lessons from Becoming that are worth absorbing and taking action on.

The book begins with a story from her childhood and the documentary begins with a Kirk Franklin song and a funny moment with her mom. They both go on to tell her story of learning, growing and becoming- and how that is a lifelong journey.

20 Lessons From Becoming

1) Compassion is key when dealing with people’s life context

One of the earlier stories in the book talks about a grumpy neighbor.  Michelle and her brother were told that they need to remember people’s context before judging the situation.  This neighbor’s past had left them very jaded and unlikely to show affection towards others- it wasn’t that he personally dislike them. How can we be compassionate about other’s context?

2) “In life, you control what you can”

Michelle’s father was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis when she was a child.  She learned from him to control the aspects of your life that you can, especially when there are big things out of your control.  The specific example given in the book is that her father would always arrive early to places because it was necessary for him to park close to any place they visited.

3) We can easily get stuck on other people’s paths for our own lives

Michelle had continued to go down the career path that she believed was previously laid out for her.  She says she was a box checker. But the passion faded and she decided to branch out into other careers/jobs.  She found this especially difficult because she felt like she was letting people down by not following the path she had always agreed to. How relatable! Especially if you struggle with people pleasing.

4) Mentorship and community are must haves for growth

This is a common topic throughout the entire book.  When Michelle starts her career, she is constantly surrounding herself with successful businesswomen in her field.  When she starts looking into parenthood, she surrounds herself with mothers who also have successful careers.  The people you surround yourself with will help you align your life with your desires and goals. This is a work smarter, not harder concept. Who are you surrounding yourself with? Who is mentoring you? Who are you mentoring?

5) A job can be more than job

During her early career, Michelle found herself simply doing her job because she needed a job, not because she was invested in it.  She started to pivot towards jobs and careers that aligned more with her passions and that were meaningful for her. These jobs became more than just a job. They helped give her a passion for things she is still invested in. Why do you do the job that you do? Is it more than a job?

6) Representation is vital

Mary Tyler Moore was Michelle’s first big inspiration as a child.  It wasn’t only because she was funny. Mary was the only woman Michelle saw on the television who wasn’t constantly fawning over their husband or significant other.  An immensely powerful example of representation she shares is in watching Lin Manuel Miranda performing Hamilton at the White House. The arts are a vital part of representation! Do you have diversity in the shows, books, and toys your kids are consuming? What about in the media that you are consuming?

7) Your happiness is your own responsibility

This is a lesson that I truly believe everyone has to learn and re-learn. It is unfair and unreasonable to expect your spouse, family, job or friends to provide your happiness.  If you are discontent, unhappy, or anything else it is your responsibility to make the changes necessary to improve your current state of mind.  Others can help you along the way, but you are the driver. If you

8) Therapy needs to be normalized

It’s a concept that is finally starting to become popularized in our culture. Therapy (or counseling) can help people not only understand their own thoughts, but other people’s thoughts.  In the book Becoming, Michelle tells a story about Barack and her going to marriage counseling. She was expecting to find the counselor agreeing with her and telling him he needed to change, but it turns out she needed to work on herself too. Life is hard, marriage is hard! Counseling is an outside opinion that can be vital for finding some much needed perspective and communication tools.

9) Spoken and written words can have unbelievable impact

I literally cannot imagine the amount of things that have been written and said about her and her family. There are so many examples in the book of the words of reporters/news media cutting Michelle very deep.  She keeps being told that “This is just politics”, but she always talks about how much these statements hurt her soul. Michelle also shares a story of when in one her speeches she states “For the first time in my adult life, I am really proud of my country.” This statement was surrounded by hope and pride in her country, but she quickly realized that not only does your message matter, but each sentence matters. And that it can and will be taken out of context and used against you. Because she was an impactful part of the campaign, the political machine came after her. One of the lines of the special stuck out to me- ‘If they couldn’t prove he was a Muslim, they could at least frame her as an angry black woman.’ It’s not just business, or just politics, or just saying, or just an opinion. Our words matter! Our comments matter!

10) Kids thrive on normalcy

              Michelle made the decision that despite security measures being overbearing, she would prioritize outings and responsibilities for her two daughters.  She felt that giving them any form of normalcy was important to their upbringing (their daughters were 10 and 7 when Barack began his presidency).  As foster parents ourselves, we have been trained on the concept of normalcy and how pivotal it is for kids to thrive in their situations. Especially in our current situation, pieces of normalcy and fun are really important.

11) It’s okay to laugh when the world is heavy

In a fun break in the book, Michelle talks about a time just prior to Halloween when she convinces all the members of her family to be silly and dress up.  Seriousness constantly surrounded them, but laughter is vital. No one can operate well out of 100% stress and heaviness all the time. How are you making space for laughter right now?

12) We plant the seeds even though we may not see the results

During a visit with Nelson Mandela, He comforts the Obamas by talking about the concept of planting seeds of change and hope.  Mandela says that some of the seeds may not sprout in your lifetime, but the importance could not be understated.  We must be willing to show kindness and plant happiness despite results not coming immediately.

*I would like to note that she also notes this as being one of the traumas/ painful moments of their 8 years in office. That people came out in droves to get them in to the White House, believing in their ideas of change. But did not continue to all vote in all of the in the other elections, midterms, or vote at all. Imploring us to remember that our voice and vote matter. And being hopeful that their 8 years in leadership planted seeds that they won’t ever see, but made an impact. ‘We can’t let this time alone shape what we will be- keep going. God gave us this platform- gave you your platform.’

13) White people need to be a championing microphone for people of color

This is one of the more currently relevant lessons from Becoming. “Sameness breeds more sameness until you make a thoughtful effort to counteract.”  In order to have diversity, it must be priority.  Not just for tokenism, but because you actually value other people’s views and experiences. We have to listen to each others stories. If you have privilege it is your responsibility to champion the voices around you that might not. We’re missing out on SO much if we don’t.

14) Becoming is about forward motion

“Becoming isn’t about arriving somewhere or achieving a certain aim. I see it instead as forward motion.”  It isn’t a final goal or a destination, but about having a constant growth mindset and bettering yourself and others. I absolutely love how at the beginning of the specials, she tells a group of kids that she is really just like them. Still trying to figure out what she wants to do next. ‘there’s no going back’ she says, we just keep growing and learning. What are you doing right now to grow and learn?

15) We have work to do- racially and with our biases.

“You would have hoped that the country was more ready for us”. ‘We are now living in a post-racial era’ was spouted out so much after Barack Obama became president. It was painfully obvious that this was not the case though. Michelle talks about the very fact of them being in the White House provoked some people and made them fearful. The overt racism is staggering, as are the death threats. The other story that really stuck out to me was a roommate moving out of their dorm at Yale because she was rooming next to a black girl and that scared her mother. This is so sobering. We can all do something- today- to evaluate our biases and how we can contribute to the fight for equality.

16) Make the best out of what you can

Something that stood out to me as a women was her frustration of people discussing more about what she wore than what she said. So what do you do in the face of that? You start working to ensure that your clothes are telling a story too. How can they further our messages of hope, renewal and change? That was a really inspiring thought for me. Our obstacles do not define us, or have to stop up. We can use them.

17) Learning to live in the tension of
highs and lows together

On the same day in which many people in the country were celebrating the Marriage Equality Act, President Obama gave a powerful eulogy for Reverend Clementa Pinckney (who was killed during the Charleston church shootings.) Michelle talks about the complex emotions that come with having such highs and lows on the same day. She forced a moment of joy out of that day- finding a way to enjoy celebrating with people while also carrying heavy grief. How can we learn to physically make space for joy?

18) The critics will never be silenced

There will always be critics. We can not let their voices define our paths. She tells stories of a guidance counselor saying she wasn’t ivy league material. And of horrific media portrayals. But she’s more interested in how she can help the youth today overcome their own critics. Brene Brown‘s research tells us that we will always hear the critics voice, but that we get to decide whose voices to hold onto. What voices are you holding onto to?

19) Stories over Stats

In the special, Michelle talks to several groups of young adults. One of the points I really loved that she emphasized was the power of owning our stories. And listening to others stories. When we are just taking in statistics- looking at each other as numbers or opinions- we’re missing the vital story aspect that connects us. We are literally wired for story and it’s the only way we will be able to move forward together.

20) There’s still hope. There’s still hope in our country

At the end of the book and special, Michelle makes this point very clear.  She still loves her country and the people in it.  She states that she won’t become cynical because she has seen too much hope and good in people.  Michelle commends America for its resilience and challenges it’s citizens to see how much untapped potential our country has and find new ways to tap into it! We can listen to each other, we can keep growing. It’s beautiful when we come together! There’s still hope!!

If you enjoyed our Lessons from Becoming,
check out some of our other posts:

–Autobiographies to Inspire Your Year
–Brene Brown: The Call to Courage
–Talking Your Teens Through Just Mercy
–Lessons from Little Women

And you can find the book, Becoming, here.

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