We’re Fostering- Here’s How You Can Help Foster Families

We’re Fostering- Here’s How You Can Help Foster Families written by the Ent and the Elf on 10/1/2020 Also, this post contains affiliate links, you can find out more on our policies page or in the disclaimer at the bottom of the blog.

5 Things We Want You To Know & 5 Ways You Can Help!

Short Background on Our Story

Hi! I’m a foster and adoptive momma. 3 years ago my husband and I were hiking in Virginia. We were a few years into this whole adoptive world, pursuing a domestic infant adoption. (If the types of adoption are confusing to you, check out this awesome article by my husband on types of adoptions based on different super hero stories!) We had been rejected for the third placement and kiddo that we had started to get excited about and were really depressed. Well, I was. I wasn’t sure I had what it took to go any further into this. Saying it’s a messy world is like saying a broken jar of jelly is just a little sticky to clean up- it just doesn’t quite cover it.

But my husband was on the opposite end at that moment. He was really hopeful. Towards the end of our trip, I saw a couple walking together. The mom was carrying a big backpack, the dad had a little girl on his shoulders and they were laughing and having a great time. The ache in my soul for that made me want to scream or sob or run away. EVERY child deserves that togetherness and happiness. But God quieted my spirit in that moment and I knew that would soon be us. And I had peace, well- as much as you possibly can while on a roller coaster. This is where we were meant to be.

Fast forward three years and here we are. My sister snapped this photo of us together. We adopted our first little girl almost two years ago and now we are opening up as a foster home. Where we’ll be a safe space for some kiddos that will be reunited with their biological families and eventually adopt the ones that are going to stay and grow with us.

Let’s get something out in the open before we go any further. *I do a lot of generalizing in this article. Not every single foster parent feels this way, not every child in foster care feels this way. It’s just a summation of my personal experiences and friendships in this community so far. This world is messy and hard. Trying to put words to it isn’t easy. Thanks for reading.*

5 Things We Would Love For You to Know About the Foster Care World:

1) It’s difficult. And getting attached is exactly the point.

The number one thing I hear as a foster parent is, “I could never do that. I would get too attached.” And I typically do not respond one way or the other to that personally. But getting attached is exactly the point. Kids desperately need positive attachments to their caregivers. Is it traumatic when/if they leave? And what about living in a constant state of unknown? Yes, it is. But the kids didn’t ask for the trauma that happened to them. 99.9% of the time they do not want to leave their birth parents. They need us to get too attached, that’s a big part of the job.

Fostering is hard, I don’t want to sugar coat it. But it’s absolutely doable with training and support. 

The second thing I hear is, what about your ‘real’ kids? We’ll get to the word ‘real’ later but lets talk about the foster sibling situation. It can be tough, it can also be the best. IS it hard for the kids? Absolutely! But it also provides character lessons in empathy, courage, and grit that are super unique. And family therapy is just the best. (Aside: finding a great therapist that will take both state and private health insurance is a bit tricky. This is also why I vote for universal healthcare.)

2) Our parenting might look different than yours.

Parenting a child navigating trauma can feel like a full time job in of itself. Between therapies, trauma training, and navigating the behaviors (Don’t even get me started on the paperwork) is a lot.

The basic parenting toolbox, teaching toolbox, doesn’t always work well either. A reward chart might do more harm than good for example. Or we may be strict about things you find odd and ok with things you wouldn’t normally be ok with. For example, I may not let my dysregulated kiddo stay up thirty minutes past bedtime but may not balk at all for a little tantrum in the store.

Parents need support and they definitely do not need to be questioned on their parenting in front of the kids. Let us handle discipline and behavior. I promise we’re doing our best. If you have a question about our parenting decisions, don’t ask us in front of the kids.

3) Speaking of trauma- not every child in foster or adoption care has bad behavior and it is NONE of your business if they are ‘a drug baby’.

Every single one has experienced big trauma and behavior outbursts are part of communicating and working through said trauma.  Helping kids learn how to regulate their own behavior and feel safe with learned trust is a huge part of the goal.

Our kid’s stories are just that, their story to keep. Their point of origin does not define them and their trauma isn’t fodder for gossip or morbid curiosity. We can be fiercely protective of our kids stories, and you should not be offended if we do not offer any of it up.

P.S.- the amount of racism and ignorance I’ve encountered with my little one is just nuts. The most common thing I hear from people who do not know our story, when I say that we adopted is, “Wow, you’re so LUCKY she looks like you (besides our skin tone, we don’t share many physical similarities) and that she’s not a drug baby.” (without me sharing any of her story, why do you assume that she wasn’t born with drugs in her system? And EVEN if she was, it’s not your business unless you are her pedi or teacher.)

4) Titles and words matter, so much

We don’t go around saying, ‘Oh, hi. You must be the accountant that got fired from my friend’s office’. In the same way you should never call a child ‘the foster kid’ or ask if this is ‘your new foster kid’. It’s something that has happened to them, not their name. If you don’t know what to say or ask, just say hi.

Some families immediately call all the children in their care siblings, others don’t. So asking my child if she likes her new brother is not helpful. Again, just use their names or say hi. And all of our children are “our real” children and we are their “real” guardians or parents right now. The word you are looking for is biological- and if you don’t know, it’s not something to ask about.

Please do not feel free to ask about their story or the length of their stay unless you are a close family friend. Chances are, neither of those topics are things that we want to talk about in public or around our children.

5) It’s really important and a little support goes a long way.

It feels incredibly isolating to constantly be living in a state of unknown. Add to that some people calling you a saint for foster parenting/adopting and others demonizing you and the system- it can be scary to put yourself out there in community sometimes. What we are doing is important, but it’s also just what is going on in our life right now. It’s the path we’re walking and tumbling down. We don’t need to be sainted, we don’t want to be dehumanized. But just a little support- oh, it goes a long way! PS- parents of kiddos with special needs also tend to feel this isolation. And there is a lot of intersection between special needs parenting and foster parenting.

It’s often hard and isolating emotionally as well, not only helping the kids work through their trauma, but living in both grief and joy simultaneously. We can be excited about growth, progress with the kids or biological parents, or the possibility of adoption. But also be devastated by the trauma, pain, and losses .

*Personally, if you ask me to “let you know if I need anything”- you can expect the phone to ring never. It’s really something people say so much, it’s hard to tell if it’s genuine. And more than that, it’s a lot of pressure figuring out what to ask for exactly and from who.* 

But simple things, little encouragements- they’re life giving! And we will talk more about how you can help foster families specifically in the next section…

Not everyone should be a foster parent, but absolutely everyone can do something.

5 Ways You Can Help Foster Families

1) Donate your small talk

There are so many prevalent myths about foster care floating around out there. Take a few minutes to educate yourself on some basic foster care facts. Here’s a great article addressing some of the myths. [I disagree with one point- fostering is not free. Adopting from foster care is also not free. They are virtually free because of things like the Adoption Tax Credit.]

Also, sharing positive stories is such a great thing. We’ve all heard about your neighbors best friend Suzie, who had that nightmare-ish experience with foster care. But hearing about your co-workers friend Betsy who had a successful experience as a foster parent? That would be way more awesome.

We would also highly encourage you to watch the movie Instant Family. You can find our full review here! It’s a super easy thing to bring up in conversation.

 Check out the donate your small talk campaign as well right here.

PS- the top 4 facts we bring up a lot.
1) Over 20,000 kids age out of the foster care system every year. 2) Abortion rates were much, much higher before Roe Vs. Wade. And things like Title X have also made a massive contribution to the steady decline of abortion. 3) There are over 15,000 kids in the foster system in Texas every year. 4) Over 60% of the kids are under the age of ten.

2) Donate your resources

Financial: CASA, Foster closets, non-profits working with social workers- all great places to donate funds too! Many foster parents also have Amazon wishlists.

Items: If you have kid toys, clothes, or furniture that you would be willing to donate, try to find a local foster, community closet or FB group.

Time: If you would be willing to mentor or advocate for children in foster care, consider becoming a CASA advocate.

Presence: A trip to a trail with the kids is free and you don’t have to be licensed as a caregiver. A quick text. A listening ear. There are so many ways to just be there.

Purchases: There are lots of awesome companies that donate to kids in foster care- let’s shop with them! Like the Goods and Better Store! We’re brand reps for them because every single purchase gives back to foster families and the things they sell are quality and fun! Plus, you get to choose what’s donated because of your purchase- essentials, comfort items, baby bottles, etc…

3) Become a babysitter

It depends on the situation but most of the time foster parents don’t feel comfortable or can’t use typical babysitting services. Often though, you can get certified to become a foster babysitter or respite care provider.

Becoming a babysitter is a little bit of an intensive process (and a respite provider even more so) depending on what agency the parents are working with. But it’s a huge thing to have babysitters you know and trust.

4) Check in on the foster families you know.

Always ask before you show up! Especially if you are wanting to interact with the kids!
*Offer support and encouragement when they get new placements. It’s all the stress and drama of bringing a new baby home without the showers, community support, meal trains and help.
*Invite them places. Even if you know they’ll have to decline, it’s nice to be included.
*Encourage them. Not by telling them they’re saints, not just with a trite phrase. Real compliments.
*Love on them and all of their babies. Compliment the kids.
*Offer a meal or coffee
*Come fold laundry, mow the lawn, or do dishes

5) Become a foster parent

It’s a community and experience like no other and we are super grateful for it (most days). You don’t have to be rich, super knowledgeable, or a heroic parent to become a safe place for a child in foster care. It’s learning to live in the tension of simultaneous grief and joy. You just have to be willing to say yes and learn.

It’s hard, but way harder on the kids. They didn’t choose this, but we want them to know that we chose them and that they are deeply loved.

*) If you are a follower of Jesus
Keep your church and yourself accountable

How is your church, and how are you, helping what’s known as “The Quartet of the Vulnerable”. Biblical justice in the Bible often centers on the treatment and care of the 1) widow, 2) orphan, 3) immigrant, and 4) the poor. How educated are you about that, what’s your theology on it, and how are you helping?

Final Thoughts:

I don’t have it all together y’all. I’m scared way more than I’m brave. I struggle with anxiety, depression, and people pleasing. I’ve got over a 3 thousand unread e-mails- not because I’m popular but because I never delete ads or coupons (what if I need that probably expired deal one day LOL). And my kids probably have way too much screen time. But I’ve been convicted to tithe my time as well as my money. To make the rhythms of learning the Bible, justice and foster care a priority and although it’s painful, I’m grateful for the journey. That’s my precious little family in these pictures y’all. And it might not have been.

What Next?

You might be interested in our posts on:

-An adoptive families review of the movie Instant Family
-Types of adoption explained by super hero stories
-Brene Brown’s Netflix special The Call to Courage
-Becoming Brave Book Study
-Walking your teen through the movie Just Mercy

Some books that might interest you:

–The Lucky Few (quoted in this article): A mom’s recollection of adopting an infant with special needs and becoming an advocate.
–Love Does (quoted in this article): A wonderfully encouraging book of stories about love in action
-If you’re considering fostering or adoption, we always suggest starting with this book: Successful Adoption
-The other books are suggested reads for foster parents

Down The Hobbit Hole Blog and this Help Foster Families post use affiliate links, we only link products we think you’ll like and you are never charged extra for them. As Amazon Associates, we earn from qualifying purchases at no additional cost to you. We also use cookies to gather analytics and present advertisements. This allows us to keep writing discussion questions and telling ridiculous dad jokes. Find our other reviews with discussion questions here. Our posts about faith here. And our posts about family stuff here.