The Last Stick Figure Family

The Last Stick Figure Family: Written by the Elf

      Yes, that’s a Star Wars reference. But considering the many, many theories on what ‘the last’ actually means to the Jedi, that’s as far as the reference goes. 😉

      It is no secret to anyone who knows me well that I have been struggling this summer. I’ve just been in a hard place. One of the more ridiculous things I’ve been struggling with is jealousy. And not just plain ‘ol jealousy. I was struggling with being jealous of the stick figure families on the back of cars y’all- no joke. From the basic stick figures, to the cool symbols, to the ‘my t-rex ate your stick figure family’ stickers. Feel free to laugh.  

     You see, there are these cars at the end of our street. One of them has an avengers stick family on the back and the other has a star wars stick figure family on the back. And while I am a geek who would love to have these stickers on the back of my mini van, there is a good chance that I never will. 1) We don’t have a mini-van yet and 2) we’re growing our family through adoption and foster care. So our stick figure family will probably fluctuate.

     But then I started thinking about it more, and the stick figures really don’t show you anything more than a single instagram picture does. And that I am isolating myself by assuming that they are a picture perfect family.

      I have worked with hundreds of families at this point in my career. I can pick out maybe a handful, that have a ‘picture perfect- stick figure’ family- maybe. And even they have their issues and life complications that I just don’t know about. 

     And it turns out that I really am not alone. In working with all these different families and people I hear these recurring themes of isolation when they or their child struggles… “Why me?” “Why our family?” “I wish others understood!” And the most common, “I just feel so alone in this!” Often when I ask if they have looked for support, for a community, or tried to branch out most of them say that they have once or twice, but were burned and don’t want to try again. And I realized that was me this summer!! I was burned by a few comments and exclusions- and I was afraid to try again!!

So I have learned and re-learned a few lessons this summer that I hope will stick with me (HA- get it?) better in the future.   

1. No one, No family is 2D. In a culture that emphasizes presenting your story in a ‘like-able’ way, it’s easy to forget that the story people present, isn’t always the full story. Which reminds me of the quote: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” -(probably by)Ian Maclaren. This is SO true and SO easy to forget.
2. Not stick figures, but people. My kids will likely have    struggles that aren’t ‘typical’ of a child their age. But that doesn’t mean that I need to hide them away. I have my own struggles and socially… I kinda prefer to stay away. Comfortable with the people and places I know. But I know that it is not what’s best for me and it is not what is best for my child. So we may be the noisy ones you stare at in the restaurant. or stare at walking through the grocery store. But I will keep going out nonetheless. My family may not look like yours or what is considered ‘typical’. But I hope that I will not shrink away from going out because of it.
3. How others view your family does not define it. I occasionally make stupid comments and I fear other people’s stupid comments. But the truth is that everyone is thinking about you a lot less than you might think they are. Someone might comment on the fact that I’m shaking so badly while holding a baby… and for a second I might be transported back to seventh grade when people made fun of me for shaking so often. And I might be ashamed by this frustrating tic that I have no control over. But how many more positive comments will there be? I can’t find out if I don’t swim through the negative ones. I’m trying to make sure that the positive comments stick and will try to think about those more than the mean ones. 
4. We tend to ask and be asked questions about the future. When are you graduating? What are you going to do then? When will you have kids? These innate social questions often cause more harm than they intend to! RIGHT?! But we keep on asking them! And more than that- they perpetuate this ideal that everyone has to follow the same path and that we should be presenting this put together picture of ourselves all the time. So right now I am resolved, although I am sure I will fail often, to ask questions about the now- about the person and how they are doing today!
5. I am resolved to be more transparent about my struggle. We had a friend come over a while back who was struggling and I mentioned that I knew a lot about anxiety and depression because they were struggles I deal with often. And he said “YOU?!, Really? I would have never even thought that.” It made me so sad! That someone I have known for years wasn’t aware that I struggle with depression or that I was struggling mentally now through the adoption process. Especially in regards to the people I worship with every week. Jesus came to heal the sick- and as one of my favorite songs right now mentions, I need Him every hour. Heck, sometimes it’s a second by second thing and I want to be honest about that. 
6. I am a kinder person. I am a better friend. I am more reliant upon God. I am all of these things when I acknowledge that life and people are messy and embrace the crazy! It is SO easy for me to believe the lies of isolation. I can be a little or a lot socially awkward with people I don’t know. Even sometimes with people I do. It seems SO MUCH easier to stay put. But easy isn’t usually the right answer, and I’m not usually better of because of it. And I won’t say that I am never discouraged when I push outside of that comfort zone- because people can say some really dumb, mean spirited things! But I have found out that real, live community is worth the risk. It is worth being brave. It is. It really, really is. I find myself more thankful for that than I can adequately express and I am better off for it.
7. Writing down the things I’m thankful for… Changes my perspective, reduces my anxiety, makes me happier.               

So now, I don’t expect to have a stick figure family on the back of my car. But I’m not jealous anymore of those that do. Now, it just makes me wonder about their story. (And I am more aware that there are tons of amazing bumper stickers that I can put on my own car.)  

“Oh, how generous and gracious our Lord was! He filled me with the faith and love that come from Christ Jesus. 15 This is a trustworthy saying, and everyone should accept it: “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners”—and I am the worst of them all. 16 But God had mercy on me so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of his great patience with even the worst sinners. Then others will realize that they, too, can believe in him and receive eternal life. 17 All honor and glory to God forever and ever!...18 Timothy, my son, here are my instructions for you…May they help you fight well in the Lord’s battles. 19 Cling to your faith in Christ, and keep your conscience clear.” 1 Timothy 1:14-19

Thank you God for community, thank you for friends, and thank you for hope!

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